Slowing Down

I write this post as I'm on a train coming home from Newburyport I spent an entire weekend with one of my first school friends who I've (surprisingly) kept in touch with through all my moves! We spent the weekend shopping, playing in the snow with two fabulous black labs, shucking shrimp,etc! I outline this all because for anyone that knows me, I'd assume they'd agree when I say I don't stop. I can think of a million and one things I should have been accomplishing this weekend. Organize my school supplies, finish setting up my new apartment, ordering next semesters books, run, do laundry, clean out the grotesque fridge...the list goes on and on. I fill each day with so much stuff, even if it as simple as watching a movie, so that I don't have to think. I mastered this when I lived in Colorado.

I surrounded myself with an array of people, countless hiking trips, endless hours of work and studying, topped off with a few hours of restless sleep. Don't get me wrong I think everything I listed is perfectly acceptable in moderation, however I'd argue I missed a lot of things by going so fast. I'd say I began to feel guilty and irresponsible if I wasn't doing something productive 24/7.

This train ride alone to Newburyport has forced me to stop. I packed at 130am last Friday and forgot both a book and an ipod, so I'm left with nothing but my thoughts...an excruciatingly frightful thought. This pushing is such a way of life for me, I barely know how to survive otherwise. I'm constantly working to try and control my life and the certain outcomes of particular situations. I heave myself at life consistently looking for ways to make things precisely the way I want them. Again, not a horrible quality, Ill defend myself and say that some action does need to be taken in our own lives, but I'm trying (or tried) to control everything.

There are particular forces driving the reasons behind why I live this way. I know exactly why I'm striving and pushing. It stems from not wanting to believe or deal, and a fear that my life is all up to me. I've got this mentality at times to get so far ahead before the floor falls out from underneath me. Its awful. Not only do I set myself up for failure but I leave no room for error. Its odd because I'm typically a very go with the flow type person...I can pretty much pin-point the 3-3.5 years where I felt like I had no control over a particular relationship and so I over compensated with controlling work, and school, and money, etc.

This has all changed in the last month to two months. I've not only realized but truly accepted the fact there is utterly no possible way I can control everything, and I don't really want or feel the need to anymore. I think I've looked to God to guide me to the right situations (new apt) and decisions (job...) And trust hell plan for me. I have to admit, I've never felt less stressed when normally I'd feel immensely overwhelmed right now. Its pretty stinking liberating!

This comes full circle with Newburyport and the title of this particular post. I almost didn't come on this trip. I was skeptical about spending money with no steady income and felt I should spend the weekend walking into every possible store asking if they were hiring. However, i decided to go. I can't tell you how happy I am that I did. Not only was it a wonderful weekend away in nature which I absolutely adore, but its a way to reconnect with my friend from college and build a better friendship, something that no job can replace.

**The pictures are from Point Lookout resort in Maine...its where my friends sister is getting married in Aug...and its BEAUTIFUL!**