holy cow :)

Havent posted in forever, for more reasons than one :)

1. I do the same crap everyday... go to work, school, gym, food, homework, tv, bed, etc etc etc.
2. I am by no means a "wise" person with insightful things to say so blogging for me is virtually pointless
3. I have to be in the mood, and i just havent been
4. im REALLY bad at spelling so its kinda embarrassing. :)
4. and lastly i just suck at writing fun cute little things so i havent

BUT! lucky you i have decided to break the..whatever?...and blog most likely about nothingness..aka LIFE





Topic number uno: MY CUTE ADORABLE LITTLEBIG FAMILY

Who knew we would all come this far! anyone that knows me or my family knows we had a few rough patches (like any other family doesnt tho?). Anyways, i was looking at Abbeys adoption pictures and i am just flabbergasted at how much she has grown up...to the point i teared a little. She is no longer this goofy-mary-kate-and-ashley looking little 6 year old, hula dancing, or falling on her bum, but a top swimmer in the county and state that in going into middle school. Its weird i have never seen someone grow up, benjamin maybe but he was always older than me so its different, and he left before we got super close like now...but both abbey and elijah have grown (elijah more physically than emotionally :)) and i think it just really neat to see them do so. Then there is my cute little mamma, who may i add was a pain in my you know what a few years ago. I can honestly say that this is the most exciting and strange part of my family, my new relationship with her. She is my best friend and i think it is so awesome that i talk everyday with her even when im in college, and i love that i can now call her when i am pissy or annoyed with someone and she knows exactly what to say even if it is just i love you. Im truly truly to have a mother that i know loves me because her dad never said it to her, which i just cant imagine. shes so cute :) lastly benjamin and dadddddddy. love them both obviously but i found some old old cards from them and they made me cry because they said that they were proud of me )sounds Corney but it has hardly been said...) i kinda wonder if they still are sometimes because i haven't really don't or accomplished anything, especially since they were saying they were proud of the "spiritual woman" i was becoming...oh how the times change :/ (sorry enough sap!)




2. oldnesssss....


how did i become 19? i know its not that old but it is old and its weird because i look at pictures and i was like 10 and remember the everything i was doing that moment which is just weird to think considering that was almost 10 years ago!However it is weird because i think when people say that life is short its kinda crap...no it is not. Were here for like 80 years...well the majority of us? and think of all the stuff we do while we are here? travel to multiple places, fricking million years in school, so much wasted money, and silly drunkin nights, sky diving, adopting a sister, seeing a brother born, sending one so far to college, seeing two grandparents die, work by booty off, get a tattoo or two, eventually get marries (Hopefully once) have lot and lots and LOTS of babiess, etc etc etc, its a lot.



3. Confusionnnn slash uncertainty...!


this is the holy cow topic...i hate it point blank. i wish that i could know exactly what was going to happen, when i was going to grad college...if im going to finish school, how many kids i will have, what job i will have, what house i will live in, when my parents will die (ik weird), everything. i guess the whole point in life is uncertainty but it sucks nonetheless...and honestly how can i not know what i want at this exact moment whether it is as simple as what to have for breakfast or...something else... plus in any given situation someone or something ALWAYS loses or gets hurt. Who ever said you cant have it all was on the money. Lastly! how can the stupidly brilliant human brain not be able to tell me what to do or which decision would be best for my life? ...guess like my daddy always says i should "take the chance"... not to mention that we always always ALWAYS want what we, or i guess i, cant have. Like cake. love cake. but i also have to walk around a pool in basically nothing so cake is not an option. :) or we want to do what were not supposed to? My mom always told me the stove was hot, yet i have a scar from where i wanted to "prove" to my mom it was not...seriously? silly brain slash silly heart! fear plays a huge factor in uncertainty and confusion...especially for me. If i think that going out for cheesecake and leaving my sister alone will hurt her feelings i wont do it, im def. not too nice but there are certain people i want to make happy and never hurt and it always seems like thats not a possibility...again who ever said lifes not fair?...money statement. totally a notebook quote but the question "what do you want?" horrid horrid horrid question. who the heck knows what they want? yes i want a new phone, some money for school, a nicer car, an elliptical, etc but what do i want more than superficial crap? i cant tell ya, i want everything and everyone to be happy no matter what and not be affected (effected?) by my decisions. i wish i had a little person to make decisions for me or tell me what to do, wouldn't life be a joy then!

kind of abruptly stopping but its 2:45 so i can :)

Quote of the moment...

Guide your spirit safe and sheltered,
A thousand dreams that we can still believe...